Last night I spent some time with some dear friends of mine and they offered to help me spruce up my blog a bit. In doing so, we found it necessary to change the image and heading of the blog.
My friend asked me about my subheading. “So,this whole ‘Learning to Love God and Live Righteously’ thing…it kinda makes it sound like you don’t love God sometimes. Is that what you meant to say?” I appreciated his question and explained that the subheading was very much purposeful.
There was a time in my life where I very much did NOT love God. I was quite angry in fact. I had so many questions: How could he do this to me? Why wasn’t I “normal”? Why couldn’t I have a relationship with a man if I loved him? Why did I have to be part of a family that did not accept me?
With every new question I became angrier. As I became angry with God I stopped wanting to communicate with him, and so eventually my praying stopped. I wasn’t reading my scriptures. I went to only some of my church meetings, and then only spitefully. I had decided to stop loving God.
Luckily, He did not stop loving me. With time and patience, he helped me heal my wounds and I found peace in his love once again. But the process of learning to love God again was difficult. I want to share some thoughts for any who might feel that their relationship with their Heavenly Father might be damaged. The way to fix it is quite simple.
Elder M. Russell Ballard taught that “Our return to our Heavenly Father is through his Son, Jesus Christ. Jesus told his disciples, ‘I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me’. He instructed us to keep his commandments if we love him. He taught further that ‘He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him'”.
As I once again began to truly keep the commandments and to read and study and pray, I saw the Savior manifest himself in my life. That manifestation witnessed to me that my Heavenly Father did indeed love me. Enough that he gave me this trial to help me be a stronger person. It seems to me that the best way to learn to love Heavenly Father is to keep His commandments. As we strive to live as Heavenly Father asks us to live, our love for Him will grow.
I am still attracted to men. God has not yet taken that from me. But as I have lived His gospel I have felt His love. Learning to love God is vital to living a happy life. We will never have joy in this life as long as we are at odds with our Maker. Live His gospel and keep His commandments. Come unto the Savior. He will bring us to the Father and help us learn how to love again.