I spent Christmas with my family this year. Last night I laid on the couch and tried to get to sleep while my parents not-so-quietly stuffed stockings for all of the children who would be there. We are all old enough to know that Santa is realer that we thought he was when we were children (not to mention MUCH closer to home), but mom and dad still insist on making stockings for all of us.
As I laid there and listened to the two of them fill stockings, I thought of all the years they must have done this for. And yet they still enjoy doing it. Because they love their children.
Suddenly I realized that I was feeling sad. I didn’t quite understand it, and I had to think for a while to figure out why I felt that way. The more I pondered, the more I realized that I wasn’t really sad, but I felt empty. I had a longing. I wanted kids. I wanted to have a family and a wife to stay up late with and fill stockings and see the happiness on our children’s faces when they saw the things that Santa had brought them.
I started to cry a little. I get rather emotional during the Christmas Season, and I admit that I was a bit frustrated. I laid there knowing that I might want to get married, but I cannot commit to a woman and expect my feelings of attraction towards men to be magically changed. I know that I need to wait until my feelings for men are under control. Then I will be truly able to dedicate myself to my wife and children. But at that moment, I knew my feelings. I saw my life and felt empty. I thought of all the friends I have that are married and have children. When will I get that? Why can’t I have it now? Why do I have to feel this way?
Well, I want you to know that I feel better. I said a little prayer, and felt the spirit comfort me. I still have many wonderful blessings in my life. I can’t forget that. And while I may not have a family YET, I know that I can have one some day. My attraction to men is still here. It may be here for years to come. Whatever the case, I need to remember to rely on the Savior. That’s what happened last night. I called out and He lifted my burden. Did he take it? No. That is not what He said He would do. But the Savior DID say:
“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
His yoke is not non-existent. But it is light. I felt my burden made light through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. As I sought for help and drew close unto the Savior, He comforted me. For that I am grateful.