I try so hard to be who and what I should. But sometimes it seems like a pointless endeavor. No matter how hard I try not to, I still find that sometimes I am thinking of a man that I am attracted to. Sometimes I simply see someone pass me and I realize that I am thinking about how attractive he is. It is always on my mind. There is hardly a moment that I am not painfully aware that I am very much attracted to men and that I do not wish to be.
This makes it so easy to get down on myself. Sometimes I will even be in church and I feel so guilty and evil for having one of these thoughts in the Lord’s house. But I realized something today. I might have the initial thought, but it is much easier to get the thought out of my mind. It used to be incredibly difficult to do, but the Lord has helped me learn ways to make it easier to forget those thoughts.
That realization brought me so much peace. I realized that I am changing. I am becoming better. I do not have to feel fearful that the Lord is displeased with me. As I seek to be like the Savior I learn more of him and I understand that He is happy with my progress. That knowledge gives me the courage to go throughout my day and not be fearful of what I may come up against. No matter what, the Lord loves me and will help me overcome anything, so long as I have the faith.
I saw the video below today and it touched and inspired me. “Be patient with yourself. Perfection comes not in this life but the next.” Elder Nelson helped me remember that the Lord knows our weaknesses and is willing to help. As long as we seek Him and do our best to better ourselves and grow closer to Him, we will have no need to fear.