I am not sure what I am thinking today, but I know that I want to write about it, so I just decided to “put pen to paper” as it were.
Yesterday at FHE I just kind of sat off to the side. I watched everyone having fun and I just enjoyed the fact that the weather wasn’t overly hot or cold. It was just nice. But as the evening went on, I realized that I just didn’t want to be there. I was frustrated. I was restless. After I went home I just drove for a while.
I was listening to the radio and trying to enjoy the fact that the weather was so beautiful. But it wasn’t enough. So I called a friend and asked if he wanted to hang out, because driving around alone just wasn’t helping. We ended up going to the store and buying food that we didn’t need. But so is the life of a Bachelor.
While we were talking we came to the subject of relationships and he told me that he was engaged, but that he didn’t want everyone to know. I was so happy for him. I talked to him for a while about the what/where/when/why/how and so on. And then I dropped him off and came home and was even more upset.
I genuinely like both of them. They are such good people and I am excited for the family that they will have. And THAT is where the problem was. Family. I want one. I realized that all afternoon I was feeling a little bit lonely and longing for something that is seemingly not possible for me to have.
When I write on this blog I try to focus on eternal truths and principles of the Gospel that help me through my trials. But I want everyone to know that I am very much human. And I recognize that humanity. I have thoughts I shouldn’t have all the time. I will go throughout my day and see several men whom I find extremely attractive. And some of those guys are guys I am friends with and we have pretty good relationships and I get frustrated and wish that there was some way we could date.
I know the thoughts are wrong. And so I push them from my mind and try not to dwell on them. But I get so aggravated and angry at myself that I even have them. I often think, why do I have to feel this way? Why can’t I just be attracted to women and have the type of relationship that I feel I should have?
Several times this past month, people have brought up some kind of relationship or asked about my future plans. Each time I get more and more upset about it. And after it builds up for long enough, I have days like today. I have been in bed all day. I made a few phone calls that I needed to make, but otherwise I have just read and played on Facebook and been generally upset and grumpy.
So what is the point? Why am I telling this this to anyone and everyone who could possibly read this? I want to say that its ok. We all have days like this. It is part of being human. I want people who read this blog to know that I have bad days/weeks/months and that you can too. Don’t think that because you had a rough day and that you really REALLY wanted that thing that you know you aren’t supposed to have that you area bad person. Because you aren’t. It just means that you are indeed a person. And people do stuff like that.
So here I am blogging about it. I am depressed. It happens. I know that the remedy to things like depression is to help people. So, I have decided to call some friends and get together and serve someone. Probably just bake goodies and take them to someone we know is having a hard time. But it will get me outside and thinking of someone other than pitiful old me.
Don’t feel bad for hating yourself. We all do it. I sometimes wish I could be anyone else. But the problem with that is that I wouldn’t be me anymore. And dangit if I’m not pretty freakin’ awesome. So hate yourself for a day or two. And know that it is a result of being human. And then get up off of your butt and be superhuman for someone else who is feeling extra mortal that day. It’s all we can do. And that’s good enough for me.