My last post left me unhappy. Why? Because I was grumpy and upset and I was ranting and it was no good. I was just writing out of anger. And I am sorry for that.
I have been feeling pretty upset for the past two weeks. And when I say upset, I mean FLIPPING angry. And I hate it when I am angry.
About two years ago, I spent some time being angry at God. I was angry that I was attracted to men. I was mad that I had to deal with this at all. I was frustrated that I didn’t feel the attraction to females that I knew I should have.
Luckily I got over that anger. The Lord was patient with me and led me to a happier place. As I look back on that time now, I found an answer to my current feelings of anger.
But first of all, why I am angry: I love my family. And I know they love me. But sometimes we see things differently. And that can cause some….friction I guess you could say. I am currently faced with making a decision that is a pretty big one. It would basically include me putting a halt to my life plans to be a part of something with my family. And it seems that no matter what I choose, I am going to have some disagreements with my family. And the thing that makes it worse is that it seems like my family sees it as a rather simple choice, but they don’t realize what a big deal this is to me.
Well I want to do the right thing. And so I prayed about it for a lot today. And I read my scriptures and told Heavenly Father, “I am reading my scriptures in faith. I know I can receive the answer so please let me find it.” And the answer didn’t come.
I spent the rest of the day being VERY angry. And why? This is where my earlier anger at God comes into play. I realized that now, like earlier, I was being impatient. I wanted to know the answers. and I wanted to know NOW. In my impatience, I allowed myself to be angry and could not have access to the spirit.
Recognizing it was half the battle. I have calmed down a bit, but I still need to seek peace and be patient. I don’t even know if this post will be of any worth to anyone else, but it was good for me to write it down. I need to remember that my anger will always be a stumbling block to me. Never allow yourself an inch of anger folks. It will grow and fester and only make you sour against God. And I have been there and it is an ugly place to be.
Well thanks for letting me vent. Remember to vent when you need to, but do it with the purpose of letting go of your feelings and not feeding the flame. Always remember Jesus Christ. He is the perfect example. I forget about Him when I am angry. I just think about myself. Let the Savior in and He will bring peace.