I haven’t posted in forever. Apologies. But in my defense I have been sooooo busy! And I have started to write three posts and they are saved in drafts. I always seemed to get called away to do something. I will finish them soon I promise.
I recently graduated from college and have been working a ton and been preparing for graduate school. This is a terrifying thing. But it is a necessary thing. And I am very excited for this new chapter in my life.
I have actually been to visit the school twice. It’s pretty nice. But it is in a pretty liberal part of Florida and I was at first rather worried and apprehensive about living there for two+ years. But when I learned that my adviser (and the professor from whom I would be taking most of my classes) was LDS, I began to relax a little. It isn’t that I have to have someone who is LDS around at all times, but I feel like it would be nice to have an older person in my profession help show me the ropes and how I can still be a good member of the church and not overstep boundaries on a professional level.
While I was down there this last weekend however, I had a minor (for about 5 minutes) breakdown. I was apartment hunting and I couldn’t really find anything that seemed livable without it being well outside my price range. I finally settled on a place that wasn’t too worn down and I should be able to afford. But I am worried about my roommates being major party-ers. And the fact that I don’t know them or anything about their background does worry me a bit.
And then, I found out (from one of the students) that my mentor isn’t really active. She said that he often drinks and sh said that he was “kinda mormon”. And I am ok with that. I’m not upset that he isn’t really active, but that extra comfort of having someone to talk with about church stuff is now gone.
That evening, some of the students were talking about going out to party to drink. They expected me to go and I said that I don’t drink. While they were kind about it, I could tell that they thought I was going to be a bummer and a prude. And the final thing that sparked my little breakdown was all the gayness. Meaning, there were so many clearly openly gay guys and the student body clearly very much encourages that. I felt so alienated and unwelcome. I was driving back to where I was staying and I started to cry.
I told Heavenly Father that I was scared. Here I am preparing to move to a new place and I was just so alone. No one understood what I felt and believed. And it seems like no one would even WANT me to believe those things. I was worrying about my ability to resist temptation and stay strong. All of this was just scaring me.
But as I prayed the Lord comforted me. I remembered that while it might not be easy, it will be possible. The importance of relying on the Lord became clearer to me than ever. I knew in that moment that nothing would help me more than doing all that I can to stay close the Savior. Jesus Christ makes everything possible.
I thanked Heavenly Father for that comfort and knowledge. And with that comfort and knowledge came something wonderful that I am not sure how to explain. But here is the story.
A while ago a close friend moved away to start his own graduate school experience. I have known him and his wife since before they were married. He knows about my attraction to men and has been a wonderful support to me. Not long after he moved, he wrote me about how things were going. He said that it was just plain hard. But no matter how hard it was, it was ok because he still had his wife with him. And that made everything bearable.
Well, it really upset me. I honestly was just unhappy for a while after he said that. Sure, HE has someone. But I don’t have anyone. And there is a good chance I won’t have anyone for a while, if at all. I felt almost angry at him because of my jealousy. I knew it would be wrong to be in a relationship with a man but I still wanted it for no reason other than because my body says I do. And to constantly go through life having to start over and having no one? Why? That was so unfair!
Well after several months of struggling with those feelings of anger and jealousy, it was suddenly ok. After praying and telling the God that I was scared and that I didn’t want to be alone, he reminded me that I’m never really alone and that I can rely on His Son. My anger and jealousy at my friend melted away and I was able to actually talk to him again for the first time in quite a while.
The point of all this? We are all going to go through changes. The only constant is the Gospel of Jesus Christ. He can and does make everything possible. He doesn’t always make things “”better” just yet. But if we are patient eventually things WILL be better. Even if not in this life, we have been promised eternal happiness.
And for that, I’ll wait as long as I have to.