Usually I try to write uplifting and spiritual things, but I have decided that I want my blog to be a little more personal. So I am going to write more about what I am thinking and feeling sometimes instead of just good spiritual things I have learned. Hopefully this can be a good thing. It think it will help me vent. And it might help someone else who maybe feels similar things know that they aren’t alone because those moments always help me.
As the title suggests, I am angry and depressed. I think I’m angry because I’m depressed and I don’t want to be and anger is a good strong emotion that makes it so I can’t feel much else. Good idea, right? Wrong. It just gets worse. But that’s where I am right now and I just have to wait it out.
I’m depressed mostly because of the things I posted about last. I am really worried about my move to start grad school and I am pretty torn up about leaving all of my close friends. They have been really supportive and have made my struggle with same sex attraction bearable. For the first time in my life I have some really close guy friends that I know I love in a healthy heterosexual way. And it is so wonderful for me! But now I have to start that all over. And it makes me want to hurt something. Honestly, kicking a cat sounds really nice right now.
I hate saying goodbye. Everyone is finishing exams and saying goodbye, but I won’t be here when they get back from the break. And it kills me. All of these sad upset feelings are welling up inside me and I just don’t like it and so I get ANGRY. To be honest, I like being angry. It feels good. It’s like an itch that you finally get to scratch. And scratch I do. Until it hurts and bleeds and I regret letting myself get so upset. Sadly I think self-destructive behaviors are part of being human.
The point is, I am angry. And I will probably be so until I have settled into my new home and made some new friends. I’ll be angry for a good while. I tend to do that sometimes. It is hard for me to love others when I am angry about my situation, and right now I am very angry about it. This is a grumpy time for me. I am a man and I am attracted to men and I honestly believe that God wants me to not have a relationship with a man and that kinda makes me mad. Dang it, but it would be nice to just date a man I was attracted to.
BUT NO. Nice isn’t always right. I know that those thoughts are just the natural man speaking. Because I have lived that life before and it is a big lie. It isn’t good for me. The only time in my life that I have been truly happy is when I have devoted myself to the gospel. This past semester has been incredible for me. Serving as the Elders Quorum President for my ward has really changed me. I love the brothers in my ward and I worry for them spiritually. I have learned so much about myself and the atonement and I know that while I might have to do hard things, they are the right things. And that will be worth it.
Be angry sometimes! It happens! Just don’t let it consume you. Anger and depression can really eat you up inside. They are human emotions and feeling them just means you are alive. I figure I just have to accept my humanity and move through the negative feelings and feel the good again. Because things may suck right now, but right now always seems to end pretty darn fast.