It is 7:00 p.m. new years eve. I have officially moved to Florida to start my grad school experience. My car is half way unpacked. The two other guys who live in the apartment are gone for the holiday and wont be back for a few days. So I am spending new years eve in an empty apartment on an air mattress.
As I began unloading my car last night, I really started to feel the pressure and emptiness of my new life. I was alone in a house that was badly in need of some clorox and several sponges. The smell of cigarettes from previous tenants was getting to me. No one was there to greet me. There was no one in town I could talk to or go see. Needless to say, I curled up on my air mattress and tried to ignore the gloom I was feeling so I could sleep.
I woke up this morning and decided to take a shower. The state of the shower, however, made it impossible for me to step inside it without feeling like I would contract several diseases. So instead of showering, I cleaned. LOTS.
Fast forward to 30 minutes ago. I felt good about all the cleaning I had done, but the house still smelled like cigarettes and my car was still stuffed with…stuff. I was starting to feel the gloomies again as I realized that it was new years eve and I was alone.
Just then I got a phone call. It was the Stake President from the Stake I had just left. We chatted for about 10 minutes. Everything that he said was something that I needed to hear. He talked about when he once sat alone in an apartment that was completely unfurnished and longed for someone to be there with him. He knew what I was feeling and wanted me to know that he understood. He didn’t give any sage advice. He didn’t say stop worrying. He let me talk about my insecurities and worries and listened and commiserated with me.
And how refreshing it was! I am so glad that he listened to the spirit and called me! Through him the spirit reminded me that I always have people watching out for me.The Savior loves me and wants my happiness. Sure I’m alone for new years eve. It isn’t the first one I have spent alone. And It probably won’t be the last. And that is ok. I have a Father in Heaven who loves me and that makes everything ok.
So. Here I sit. Blogging. I feel like this post is a mess of inarticulate emotions, but I am glad I wrote it. I always want to remember this moment. Me being here alone is hard for me. Every day I feel a little of the dull pain of loneliness . And every day part of me wants it to be gone and wants to throw in the towel and say “Forget it God! It is too hard to do alone! I’m getting a boyfriend!” But each time I do, I remember that I can have so much more than a “right now” relationship. In Doctrine and Covenants Section 78 we are reminded of a more eternal perspective:
17 Verily, verily, I say unto you, ye are little children, and ye have not as yet understood how great blessings the Father hath in his own hands and prepared for you.
So yeah being alone sucks. And this is hard for me. But I can do hard things. I CAN!