A long time ago I started a post which I jokingly called “Jesus Is My Boyfriend”, But I never finished it because I could never really say everything I wanted to in the way that I wanted to say it. In a nutshell, I may want a boyfriend, but I can’t have one. So Jesus can fill that void until I have the type relationship that I should have.
Well my friend Marianne wrote me recently and just said “Hey I wrote this in my journal and thought of you.” It was my boyfriend post, but said better. So I asked her if I could use it and she said yes. So here it is. I hope you all enjoy it. I sure did!
Last night as I was driving home from the grocery store, I wasn’t thinking about feeling lonesome, but there is in my heart an ever-present lonesomeness–wanting to have a husband and a family and feel loved. Anyway, I was listening to 3 Nephi (I often listen to The Book of Mormon while driving in my car), and the word “husband” leapt out at me, and I perked up my ears and these words from Chapter 22 (Compare Isaiah 54) suddenly went directly into my heart, “like it was written just for me.” You know that feeling?
Let me just say that I know the marriage metaphor is used often in scripture and is not literal, but what is literal is the Lord’s unfailing love. That he does cherish me, the way I want to be cherished. That he can fill the void in my heart with his love and kindness. And someday, if I continue faithful to Him, I will have children–an everlasting posterity–and they shall all be taught of the Lord.
I also loved the words “a wife of youth.” I feel sad sometimes about finding myself getting older without being married (or even dating much) yet, because I suppose what I crave is not just being in love, but being young and in love. Being a wife of youth. And the Lord will love me with all that devotion, and even enthusiasm. Not only that, but he claims me as “a wife of youth when thou was refused.” Even when I feel like “a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit,“ even though nobody else in the whole world may want me, He does.
And a little oddly, perhaps, the words that made me burst into tears were “I will lay thy stones with fair colors, and lay thy foundations with sapphires. And I will make thy windows of agates, and thy gates of carbuncles, and all thy borders of pleasant stones.” That promise of overwhelming beauty filled me with hope, and a sweet reassurance that all will be well.
I pressed the rewind button (or whatever it’s called on a CD player) about five or six times, listening to the passage over and over again. I’m not living a small or an empty life. The Lord is filling my every need, and if it seems that “for a small moment” he has forsaken me, I just need to hang on, and with great mercies he will gather me. Gather me to his arms and hold me and cherish me and fill me with peace.
Just wanted to write that down. I hope it makes sense. I guess what I’m getting at is the realization that the Lord’s love can fill every void in my life, even my longing for the romantic, emotional, intellectual fulfillment I hope for in a husband:
“For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed, but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee.”