I haven’t posted in about three months. For this I apologize. It started with me being incredibly busy, but then became some sort of guilt for not posting that became a paralyzing fear. That, plus I have been struggling to feel loved of late, it has been hard for me to write. But I am better now and I am excited to be writing again.
It seems that it was not long ago that I was writing my 1 year anniversary post, and now here I am again with another year gone. It was on this night two years ago that I started this blog. I had been in the Priesthood session of conference and felt inspired to write a blog about my attractions, so I went home and started writing.
So now, tonight, two years later, I am back from the Priesthood session of conference and I am reflecting on the last two years of my life, specifically how it has been changed by my blog. So much has happened. I have made many friends and sadly have lost a few. My testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ has been strengthened beyond what I thought possible. I have changed and become happier. I am more devoted to my Heavenly Father. I am striving to improve parts of my life that two years ago seemed so insignificant, because I felt there were bigger problems to work through.
And I am so much better for it! I have found direction in my life that I didn’t have before. I am happier than I have ever been. Yes I still have my struggles. As I said, I am currently having a bit of a hard time right now. I am not feeling love from those around me and I sometimes equate that to “well God doesn’t love me right now” which I know is ridiculous. While I may be having a hard time, it feels different tha it did a few years ago. I am learning more through my trials than I used to and that brings me comfort.
I want to share my testimony. I know that what I am doing is right. Many people think that I am being foolish and that I should just find a boyfriend and forget my struggle. But I know that that would be betraying both who I am and my Father in Heaven who gave me this struggle so that I might learn to love Him more. I would be betraying my Savior who suffered so much to make it possible for me to repent when I have made mistakes. His love has given me strength and joy in my decision.
To those who may struggle or wonder, I say to you that God loves you. You are not alone. I also give you my personal witness of the truthfulness of this gospel. Living it has brought me greater joy than ever. I do not speak out of inexperience; I know first hand the seeming joy that a gay lifestyle can bring, but it is not lasting. You can live a chaste life. It may seem hard or even impossible, but it can be done.
What I have learned is that in order to live as the Lord has asked of us, we must truly seek him. Read His words and pray to Him. As we do, he will draw closer to us and we will feel his love and comfort. With that love we will be able to resist any temptation. The Savior can indeed help us become better. Imagine for a moment someone who wants to wash filth from themselves but yet insists on rolling in the mud. You will never become clean that way. I challenge anyone reading this, whether your struggle be with same sex attraction or with anger or gossip or anything, seek the Lord. Turn away from the things in your life that you know are not good for you spiritual growth. I know far too many men who are willing to give having a boyfriend a try, but not willing enough to give the Lord a chance to show them the happiness which they seek.
Jesus Christ has no agenda. He wants only our happiness and joy. He is the best companion we could seek for in this life, He will grant us peace and comfort in our afflictions and our burdens will indeed be made light. I thank my Heavenly Father for the gift of His Son and for the ability I have to repent and change through the Atonement. I hope that all of you can come to know this same truth.